Gloom and Doom and Falling on Your Ass

Things have been a bit 'dark' around these parts. We've been to 6 funerals in about 2 months. 4 were older relatives/friends of the family that had lived long, happy lives. But the last 2 have been family friends that have passed too soon (in their late 60s.) Here's to hoping we can hang up the black suit and black coats for a while.

As we were leaving funeral #6 this past Friday night, I was walking down the front steps and totally bit it. Like Jack Tripper prat fall style down the front steps. My immediate reaction was to look around and make sure no one saw me. The street was pretty desolate, save for my husband by my side.* After he picked me up off the ground, he threw in a "Don't be afraid to hold the hand rail." Nice. The fall actually got me out of going to a funeral service the next morning for my great-uncle so there's that positive spin, I guess.

I hobbled my crippled ass to the car, all the while feeling my foot swell over my shoe. By the time we got home, I couldn't shove my fat little foot back in my shoe and the purply bruise was forming. And I couldn't put any pressure on it. Good times.

The next morning it was still pretty bad so we made a trip to to the ER. Luckily it is just badly sprained and not broken. This was actually my first time in the ER and the first time dealing with a potential break. I kind of pride myself on never having broken a bone. Ligaments are another story but so far I am sticking to my claim to fame. No breaks.

After paying my hefty ER fee (thanks for nothin' Blue Cross) I opted for the crutches. Not really because I actually planned on using them but if I'm dropping $80 then I'm getting some kind of parting gift. And I took the socks too. I love those little grippy nubbies on the bottom.

Then when you thought it couldn't get more death-y around here, we turn on the radio and hear the news about Whits. Really universe, not enough doom and gloom to go around, you had to go and take her too!** Now I must go watch skinny a Jennifer Hudson pay tribute to our fallen diva.

* Fast forward a couple hours to a text message from my sister-in-law (also in attendance at the funeral): "Rumor has it you fell down the front steps?!? Please confirm." F-my life.
** I did learn a great deal about my husband's love for Whitney. I think he cried a little when we heard the news. You should ask him about "The Greatest Love of All." He gets emotional discussing how it is one of the best ballads out there and how Miss Whits had the voice of an angel. It's moving. I think we know what will be blasting at his funeral (not to be morbid or anything.)

Kim Kardashian's 20.5 Carat Rock

Kris Humphries couldn't spring for a full 21 carats? Cheapskate.

It's so weird that her mom and her fiance have the same name spelled the same stupid way.

Mazel Tov, lovers.

Ah To Be A Princess

I am totally eating up all of this Royal Wedding stuff. Congratulations to the Prince and Princess. I loved every last detail, but mostly all the hats. We don't wear nearly enough hats in this country. I need to have a Kentucky Derby party or go to a Baptist Sunday service to get my hat fix.

A Winning Masheen

Props to Johnny B. for the link to this video and for the sick pun on Sheen/Machine. Love it.

R.I.P. Lucas

Corey Haim found dead from apparent drug overdose.

The poor guy wasn't long for this life.



What was your favorite Corey Haim movie?

Artie Lange Hospitalized

UPDATE 1/7/10: Artie Lange's Suicide Attempt

Artie Lange Hospitalized For “Undisclosed Ailment”. That's no shock. That poor guy is a ticking time bomb. If you haven't read his autobiography, Too Fat To Fish, you are missing out.

Biggest C-U-Next-Tuesday

Last night I was flipping through the channels and came across The Biggest Loser. It was a part where skeletor-faced Jillian Michaels is berating the contestants into working out. So this newly svelte woman is on the leg press (you know, the one where you sit and push the weights up with your legs). The camera zooms in on her huffing and puffing to get the weight up, sweat on her brow, eyes focused and alert. You can hear Jillian in the background barking orders in her man voice. Then the camera pans back and you see Jillian actually sitting on the weights.

And she pulls shit like this too She's a human torture device.

She's all, "I'm so skinny you can lift me too." I would punch her in the face and that would be the end of my short BL experience.

On that note, I hope you all eat your weight, and that of Jillian Michaels, in turkey and stuffing tomorrow.

Always the Last to Know

Is Anderson Cooper gay? Have I been under a rock somewhere?

Goin' Nerdin'

Tonight I'm going with my mom, aunt, and sister to a taping of NPR's Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. Any length of time spent with my mom and aunt usually amounts to a lot of good blog material. I should really take notes.

I don't think they call it the Wang anymore. That's probably a good thing. I was listening to the local news last night and they arrested this guy named Wang something for lewd and lascivious behavior. I tried searching for it online but do you know what type of shit comes up when you enter 'wang' and 'lewd and lascivious behavior' in Google.

P.S. If there is a God up there, I think he sounds just like Carl Kassell.

Meal Planning Attempt

It's time to get back to meal planning. The summer was kind of tough when it came to planning ahead. Now that vacation is over and we are into Fall, I think (hope) it will get easier.


Monday- Nanny's house.
Tuesday- Fresh mozzarella and avocado salad, toasted french bread
Wednesday- Asian shrimp skewers and potstickers
Thursday- Going nerdin' @ a live NPR taping of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me. We'll grab dinner in the Theater District. I don't even care what this does to my street cred.
Friday- Steak tips, rice pilaf, salad

People and Places

I kind of covered most of the bases in the last vacation recap email but I realize that I need a post dedicated entirely to the characters, coincidences, and other crap we encountered.

On our ferry ride over to St. John from St. Thomas, there was a nice Asian couple parked next to us. We got to talking to them and soon found out they were from China, by way of Ohio. My office is based in Ohio so I threw out the name of the obscure town and wouldn't you know it, they live there. We saw them a couple more times in St. John and I swear Beatrice called the woman, Kai-lan, after the character in her favorite show. We may need to enroll her in some diversity training.

One afternoon we took a ride to the other side of the island. After a failed attempt to drive to a secluded beach down a jagged dirt road (this involved much screaming on my part about flat tires and being irresponsible parents and Cory telling me to calm down and relax. Jess D.- I told him I would not be going muddin' with my baby girl in the back!), we ended up at this 'bar'. Before we sat down, one of the regulars asked where we were from and as always, we got into the age-old, "Oh, I'm from the Boston area too." This guy was quite a character, real rough around the edges. And I'm not judging a book by its cover, he offered up this gem of a story when I inquired about how he ended up moving to St. John from Braintree, MA. Turns out his odyssey started 14 years ago when he 'pissed bad' while on parole. So he boarded a plane that night. He also shared that he has 4 sons aged 4 to 32. He also sang The Cars, My Best Friend's Girl, about 10 times and told us that was the best concert he'd ever gone to. If I wasn't a married lady...

While at that same roadside spot, another woman overhead that we were from Ashland and that sparked a conversation about one of the local shop keepers being from Ashland. Later that week, we stopped by the store, St. John Spice. Ruth, the owner, was there we got to talking. Turns out she has a house around the corner from us and knows my brother's landlord (my brother is now renting an apartment down the street from us.) She also used to work at our favorite local restaurant/pub. All roads lead back to Trashland.

For those of you that have been to St. John or really any island or remote area, you know how insane the driving can be. It's a total free for all and oh ya, they drive on the Left (Left is Right.) We were in town for the construction of and first day of the traffic in their new Rotary. I could have spent all day watching this shit show. Luckily, being MassHoles, we know our way around a rotary (pun intended.)

Beatrice learned a lot of new words on vacation- boat, car, truck, house, towel, fish. Well actually she thinks she's saying fish but it sounds like something else entirely. Take a look at the video. Next time you see her, ask her if she had fish for dinner.

By far, the weirdest thing that occurred during our trip had to do with Beatrice. One of the first days of vacation, we were at a bar and I noticed a couple of people looking over at Beatrice and kinda motioning to another couple to look our way. I didn't really think anything of it. Later on, as we were leaving they commented that she looked just like their friend's daughter that lived in St. John. The next day, Cory was walking with Bea and a lady smiled at them and asked him if he was the uncle. Cory gave her a perplexed look and she took a closer look, then apologized as she had mistaken Beatrice for her friend, Jay's baby. So this happens a couple more times. Another evening, we're coming off the ferry from St. John to St. Thomas (we'd gone over for dinner and the poor man's sunset cruise) and I noticed an older gentleman giving us side-long glances. I smile and he comments that Beatrice looks just like his friend's baby. I ask, "Is your friend's name Jay by any chance?" Of course it is. This guy talks our ear off about how Jay is bi-racial and was married to a blond haired German woman and tells us where Jay works. Later that night, as we walk by the place where said Jay works, I ask the bartender if Jay's working. He wasn't working that night but would be in for the breakfast shift in a couple days. I give the bartender the background so he didn't think I was some kind of stalker. He commented, along with the rest of the patrons, that Beatrice looked just like that little girl. A couple of days later we went back to that bar/restaurant but Jay was not there. Then finally before we left, Cory was walking by with Beatrice and upon noticing that they were broadcasting the football games, they promptly stopped. The bartender from the other night motions to Cory to come in- Jay had been in all day with his daughter and had just left. The bartender goes out the back to try and stop them before they leave. Unfortunately he came back empty-handed, they had just driven off on their way to Hawknest Beach. Coincidentally, we had just come back from a full day at Hawksnest. Too funny... maybe we'll run into them next time. I've heard everyone has a bizarro twin in the world. Mine supposedly was at UMass Amherst. One time, years after all my friends spotted her there, a guy on the commuter rail asked me if I graduated from UMass in 2001. He was totally referencing my bizarro twin.

I love the name of this ferry.
My final tidbit has to do with our major celebrity spotting. On the way home, we traveled all the way from St. Thomas to Boston with this cat. Best part is that he acts totally like his character from KoQ. Beatrice was being all flirty with him and his friend (some guy that was evidently on American Idol- he was pretty generic, white, guitar-playing guy so I didn't even bother looking him up.) Beatrice was also obsessed with that guy's girlfriend, even giving her a couple of stickers. I overhead Gary comparing Beatrice's little coquettish ways to his niece. He showed his friends a video on his iPhone of her being all flirty. OMG, was he comparing my baby girl to his famous brother's baby. This may be my proudest mothering moment.

The rest of the vacation photos are here.

The Headline of this Article Cracks Me Up

www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1210710/Whitney-Houstons-voice-cracks-struggles-comeback-concert.html?ITO=1490

Poor Whits. Not the comeback she was hoping for. Kevin Costner would so not take a bullet for her today.