Today

Today is one of those days where you wake up anxious and can't seem to shake it. Obviously I know that my anxiety has to do with returning to work on Tuesday and going out of town this weekend for a wedding without the kids. There's a lot of work involved in getting away for 48 hours. Between the packing, grooming, and logistical details, I am exhausted.

I know that my return to work will be bittersweet. I am definitely feeling conflicted about it. I want to go back to work, yet I don't. I feel like I accomplished a lot while on maternity leave, yet I feel there's still more to do. I feel like I bonded with Theo yet I feel like I still need to get to know him. I feel like I managed things well yet I feel like I sometimes failed. That's the thing about motherhood that you can't know until you experience it... every milestone has at least 2 opposing emotions attached to it.

A funny thing happened this morning as this maternity leave is winding down. Last night was not our best night here. Theo woke up at 1 (which is unusual) then again at 5:30 to eat. Beatrice woke up at 4:30 demanding that I lay with her for 'just a little minute.' So I laid with her for an hour then dragged my tired self to Theo's room to feed him. Then just as my head was about to hit the pillow, she woke up for the day. So I've basically been awake since 4:30. Cory took Beatrice to Miss Maria's this morning. After they left I took Theo up to my bed to feed him. After he ate, he fell immediately asleep so for only the 2nd time in these past 3 months, I snuggled up next to him and passed out too. A couple of hours later we both woke up and headed downstairs. While in the kitchen I noticed Cory had left his wallet on the table so I called him to let him know.
Me: "Hey Cor, you left your wallet here."
Cory: "I know."
Me: "OK."
Cory: "I'm upstairs in the office. "
Me: "What?! You're here?"
Cory: "I came home while you guys were napping. It's good to see what goes on here while I'm at work."

Busted.