Egg on Your Face

I am going to preface this post by stating that all of these embarrassing moments occurred while I was NOT under the influence. It both makes them more horrifying and more embarrassing. Also, the list would be far too long if we were discussing dumb stuff I've done while drunk.

1. Naked feral child: We're reaching back 25 years for this one. I only remember bits and pieces of my childhood. This little bit I remember like it was yesterday. When I was about 5, we lived in an apartment below my grandparents. There was one other apartment in the building. My grandmother was babysitting us one evening up in her apartment. She was getting us ready for a bath and just as I was about to get into the water we realized that I didn't have a hair elastic. My hair was down to my butt (see tartar sauce incident in 25 Things List on the left) and it was not a hair washing night so we had to avoid getting it wet and going through the whole blow drying rigmarole. (Valid question: Why she didn't have a shower cap... don't all grandmas have shower caps?) She yelled at me to run down to our apartment to get a hair elastic. I started to get my clothes back on and she told me to hurry, the water was gonna get cold, "just run down quick like that". Not one to rock the boat, I agreed and got my hustle on. Just as I rounded the first flight of stairs I heard the key in the lock. The front door at the foot of the stairs opened, almost in slow motion, behind it the man that lived in the back apartment. Paralyzed in fear and horror and still on the stairs, I had nowhere to hide. The door finally opened, our eyes met, the man froze, I ran down the remaining steps, already crying in horror. Years later, I wonder what that man must have thought as he opened his front door and looked up to find a dirty, naked child with hair and limbs aflailing, running down a flight of stairs like her ass was on fire.


2. Asian intern: We had this really annoying intern one summer. Just a real complainer type. I had her working on a boring project for a couple of days that involved lots of on-screen reading. She called in on the 4th day: "I'm not going to be in today. I need to go to the eye doctor because my eyes are bothering me from all the reading I've had to do." You are interning at a publishing house?!? Anyhow, fast forward a couple of years. I am walking down the hallway and I see her getting introduced around as the new assistant in another group. I groan, feeling sorry for my colleagues who will now have to put up with her B.S. I remark to my boss how it sucks to be that group. A couple days later, I pass by the girl's cube and notice her newly affixed name plate. Yup, definitely not the same name or same girl. I should have pulled a Michael Scott and marked their hands.


3. Butt dialing my former boss: I worked for the same man for many years at my company. He recently moved to a new company and we've stayed in touch, leaving the door open for a potential future working relationship. Last Thanksgiving, we had high school friends back in town from CA. We went out in Boston and were out pretty late. I get an email from said ex-boss a couple of weeks later mentioning that he got a call from me at 2:00a.m. and all he could here was muffled noise like I was at a party. He was a good sport about it but c'mon of all the people to butt dial, it had to be him?And I have one of those phones that you need to hit 2 buttons to unlock it before it will access your contacts. That's some shit luck.


4. Backing into Cory's car: This one caused physical damage, not just emotional embarrassment. All 3 of us are in my car. The babe is crying in her car seat. I glance back in our 1 lane driveway (who f'ing paves a 1 lane driveway!) and somehow miss the fact that Cory's car is directly behind me. Boom! Crash! I drilled his car. It doesn't help that I have an SUV and he has a sedan so it wasn't just a bumper to bumper snafu. His hood crunched up like a sardine can. Incidentally, if you've just backed in to your husband's car and are standing assessing the damage while he shakes his head at you, saying in your defense "Well its not like your car was nice to begin with" won't help the situation.


5. Office tech guy: For months I've been calling him, Darrell. His name is Dwayne. He is not Darrell from The Office. I am sensing a Michael Scott pattern here.


6. Let's race: About 7 years ago, while walking the beach at sunset, I challenged Cory to a footrace. He won. He was running backwards. In a recent email to Bri, I reminisced about this event. She reminded me of her 'race' with Cory: "He beat me running backwards too, on our way to Han Dynasty that night. But, I'm pretty sure I was wearing heels. I'm sticking to that excuse, but leaving no room for rematches. Ya, forget it. I'm not racing him. He doesn't play fair. He walks on stilts." So true.

So as you go into the weekend, make a mental list of all of the embarrassing, sober(ing) moments of your life.